Embrace the Dull

Motherfucker!

How did I miss this??

Welcome to the neighborhood

The one nice thing about living in a ghetto neighborhood is that Emmett could pinch a loaf any old place.

No more.

This morning a Russian lady yelled at Emmett for trying to take a dump on her cactus...that sounds dirty...and I suppose it is, though not in the way you think.

Perv.

Holy shitballs, this Onion book is funny

It's been an un-posty week, sorry. Very busy at work, also Emmett is being a bastard (see picture)

Plus, my dad sent me the new Onion book - so engaging is this Onion book that it's occupying much of my time.

One of my favorites is the write-up on The Democratic Republic of Congo which is described as being "Like a Zoo You get Killed at."

Oh, Congo!

Blegh

I'm in a lousy mood today for a variety of mundane reasons. Christmas shopping, Abby redeploying, Jake pooping, Bush Presidenting, the list goes on and on.

To raise my spirits I enlisted the support of my capable dog, Emmett. If you're in a bad mood, and you have Emmett, what follows is a great way to shake your funk off:

1) Look at his face

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2) Shkrunch his face and demand why his face is skrunched

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3) Unskrunch his face

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4) Reskrunch

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5) Point out his freckle, demand to know why he needs a freckle

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6) Manipulate his paw like he's embarrassed by this entire interaction

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7) Take him out on the deck and look down the street - it's beautiful out. Life isn't that bad.

Abby, Jaime and Marty the One Man Party are all up in this piece

The soon to be redeployed (Abby), the never to be deployed (Jaime) and the deployer of poop (Marty the One Man Party) are all visiting for Thanksgiving.

Things are now a bit snug here in Hollywood, but Abby is keeping spirits up by knitting The World's Gayest Christmas Sweaters® for Marty and Emmett.

Emmett's still isn't finished but Marty's (as you can see) is; now he looks like a little hairy jingleberry.

More to come...

I won't lie to you...

It's not easy to leave Emmett every morning. Look at him! No one has ever been disappointed to see me leaving!

I have a crazy long day today, so if anyone could swing by my place and take Emmett for a quick walk that would be great.

Also, when you walk in be sure to do the following:

1) Ask him where his family of armadillos is/are (you can just ask "where's your armadillo??" Because then he'll go get one of his stuffed armadillos. If you're doing this properly he will hold one in his mouth and wave his butt.

2) Then ask "what did you do today?" It's a moot question as A) he can't talk (he'll just keep waving his butt) and B) as evidenced by the dog hair on the couch, he's really just been hanging out on the couch and listening to Chet Baker (we play Chet Baker all day for Emmett to drown out external sounds and relax him)

finally,

3) Take him outside (turn right out the door and take him to the second palm tree on the left, that's his favorite)

Thanks,

Dave

I'm injured

Yesterday in a dramatic play-at-the-plate I was called out (questionably) sliding (headfirst) while attempting to turn a triple into a HR during an intramural softball game.

Later I badly sprained my ankle leaping for a hit over first base.

I think to ask "are these or are these not the actions of an out-of-shape jackass who runs around once a week only to injure himself and burden his wife?" is to miss the point.

The point is that my ankle is killing me.

Liz went out last night to buy me crutches so I could move to-and-from my email while she did everything else. Unfortunately the human-height for which the crutches are designed maxes out at 5'10" leaving me with what appear to be joke-crutches. On top of all this, Jake, Holly and Emmett now see me not as an injured payer-of-rent burdened with Klown Krutches, but a deformed freak requiring a robotic exoskeleton to ambulate. As such they flee from me in terror.

Alas!

AAAND, I am fatigued because Liz and I stayed up to till 3:00 a.m. to watch The Fugitive which, like Hoosiers, I have to watch every time I see it on TV.

What a day!

The Friendly Neighborhood Giant Neon Penis

Liz is under the impression that the Kirk Douglas Theater Marquee looks like a giant alabaster phallus (btw "alabaster phallus" is a fun thing to say). I disagree, positing that while, yes, it does share a resemblance, it doesn't have a ballsack so it's not as pornographic as she maintains.

Here is our discussion that transpired this evening as we walked Emmett:

Liz, "Well, there's the giant cock"

Me, "Did you say cock or cop?"

"Why would I say giant cop?"

"Why would you say either?"

"Because of that .... thing" She points at the marquee with her crooked index finger (Liz has a crooked index finger, it's very cute).

"It doesn't look like a cock"

"Yes it does, it's a long white shaft with a base leading up to a wide head...the only thing that would make it more obvious is if something shot out of the top"

"Like glitter?"

"Exactly"

Then she repeatedly called Emmett a Dinosaur Head because he has a giant cranium.

Anyway...

I am sitting in our LA apartment enjoying the lovely weather and hating this skanky carpet (our carpeting is so skanky, it makes your feet black. I swear.) We're having it shampooed tomorrow.

It's so gross.

Anyway, We're still waiting for our furniture to arrive so I'm hunched here in a lawn-chair with my keyboard on my lap. Not a posture conducive with a long post. In lieu of magical story-telling, I think many readers will find the following pictures entertaining - what follows are four pictures that capture Liz's emotional devolution as her nerves became increasingly frayed with each passing mile of our recent road trip/move.

In the first picture (to the far right) she is happy and excited to be in the car with me and Emmett the Dinosaur Head. I expected this mood to continue. The three subsequent shots reveal just how wrong I was. She shortly thereafter became annoyed with me, then she became hostile right before finally going completely insane.

It was very troubling.

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I also took this picture of Emmett, Marty and Abby's leg.

Dave, WTF?

I've been pretty lax w/r/t posting lately and for that I am sorry - but my excuses are many and they are convincing.

For one thing, for the past 2 days Emmett has had the Hershey squirts. This condition has required many walks that have weighed heavily on me. The walks have also taxed my ability to pretend-to-be-distracted-by-something-as-Emmett-does-an-impression
of-a-salad-shooter-on-someone's-flower-bed.

Emmett's HS's have cleared up so I can post.

But there are other things....

Earlier this week (Monday and Tuesday) I took a whirlwind trip to LA to look for jobs.

"Jobs? Why?"

"Liz and I are moving there?"

"But you never mentioned that, you fart-knocker"

"I know, I know - but it wasn't exactly written in stone and plus I had people that I had to tell directly (like my mom) before she read it on my blog - you understand"

"Yeah - did you find a job?"

"I did"

"Any good?"

"Not bad"

"Cool - Quiet Library is staying together right?"

"Of course, and that deal we have is inching toward completion - we're all really pumped"

"Are the guys in QL annoyed that you're moving?"

"Kind of"

Anyway, so last week I was in LA and I stayed with my friend Heather and her two roommates. Not only did she let me stay with her but she drove me to my job interviews and to check out a couple of apartments.

Heather is pretty bad-ass. She's also moving to Hawaii.

OK, so Here's the Fucking Deal

On Saturday (7/14) Liz and I are having our stuff shipped to LA and then packing Emmett, Jake and Holly into a van and driving to the West Coast. This is important as:

1) It's an idiotic way to travel and

2) I will be posting very infrequently but

3) I will totally be posting to my photo blog located here

So I will be posting this week, albeit intermittently, so take this with you...

I'm leaving New York...

Quiet Library remains intact, nay, successful...

Jake is a bastard...

Emmett's Hershey squirts have been corrected (rectified?)...

Liz and Emmett are getting along...

We are very excited...off to Los Angeles...

 

Not much new today so I'll just post more pictures of Emmett