Embrace the Dull

Abby and I got Christmas tattoos

Yesterday Abby and I went to Ink Monkey on Venice and got sweet new tattoos.

Abby got a huge dragon on her stomach (well, the side of her stomach)

What did I get?

In the face of rising divorce rates, the looming threat of values voters and the total babeness of my wife, I chose this:

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..

Withhold your ridicule and instead fawn over my pornographically defined deltoid muscles.

The pics are small and low-res because I took them just a minute ago with my phone, higher res pics of both mine and Abby's will be appearing shortly (i.e. next week) on my Flickr page.

Abby and The Colonel are here. As is Marty El Uno Hombre Fiesta

Liz's sister and erstwhile US Government killing machine (she's in the Army) is here with her small irrepressible dog (Marty the Jingleberry).

Also visiting is Liz's dad, a/k/a The Colonel (ret). We have so much military up in our piece that I thought we had some damn Nigerian yellow cake (rim shot).

Anyway, I woke up this morning for work (yes, work) to Marty licking the inside of my mouth. Fortunately I'm not sick (yet) so that means he did it prior to raiding the catbox.

Aaaw.

I'll do a longer post tomorrow detailing my crazy Xmas loot.

It's 70 here - holla!

"My flight is full of celebrity poon!"

Abby just called to say that.

Joining her from Houston to LA are the Mandy Moore and Chick Who Plays Lexy Grey.

Abby is going to use Marty as "Mandy Moore bait."

Developing...

Update via text - "they're both totally in first class. And I didn't even get to stare at them as I walked back to row 38 (of 42 rows)"

Second update - "it smells like garlic and barf back here"

Third update - "I'm sitting between 2 fat people from Houston. This is the opposite of Mandy' flight"

"James Blunt sucks lasered-off dog's balls"

So says Abby in a text message to me from earlier this evening. It's that kind of blood-lust that will win us The War Against Terror (TWAT).

For those who are unaware, Abby is my sister-in-law and a veteran of Operation Iraqi "they hate us for our" Freedom.

More fragmented thoughts...

We have wet carpet in our bedroom so two guys had to come over and blow it.

Did that sound dirty? How about sucky? If you chose sucky, you'd be right - unseasonable rain in Los Angeles has flooded our apartment and the "vintage" carpeting in our bedroom (not something you want "vintage") smells like old people.

Great.

So we had carpet cleaners come over to clean it.

You know what doesn't help my mood in that situation? Looking at my soaking-wet bedroom, shaking your head, laughing and saying something to your assistant in Spanish.

¿Como se dice, 'I know it's a mess just fucking clean it?'

To cheer myself up I decided to post this picture of Liz pretending to be passed-out.

...I'm noticing that many year-end best-of music lists are excluding Stronger by Kanye - do these critics need to have their fucking heads examined?

This is Louis Vuitton Don night
So we gon' do everything that Kayn like
Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke
And she'll do anything for the limelight
And we'll do anything when the time's right
Baby you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)

Don't pretend that's not the baddest.

Baddest I said!

Hot Dog Sushi

That title is not a joke, not a metaphor, not the name of my Spin Doctors cover band, it is the subject of a text Abby just sent me.

Below is a picture of said sushi, snapped in a cafeteria in Fort Hood, Texas

.
.
.
.
.
Fucking nasty (the pink pie-shaped wedges would be pieces of hot dog teamed with what appear to be pickles, cucumber, rice, carrot and something white, dare I say, mayonnaise?)

**Update - it's not a cafeteria, the sushi is from a restaurant called "Seoul  Food" - get it? **

Abby gone - Boo!

Bon Jovi's 2000 comeback and triumphant return to New Jersey's Meadowlands was described by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as being "like poop traveling back up into the butthole."

While Marty and Abby are not comparable to poop, their return to Kileen is certainly similar to a return to the lower colon of the United States (I have discussed Kileen, TX here).

So Abby left, and that's sad, but we had a great time; let's now take a soft-focus moment and reflect on the precious moments that visited us during this, my 33rd Thanksgiving.

.

.

In other news, Liz was on set at Boston Legal again yesterday and reports that William Shatner is, I shit you not, the nicest and most "normal" (I think she said "present and centered" but for our purposes I'll say "normal") star she has ever encountered.

She reports that James Spader is a bIt odd.

Lovely

Abby (first from the left) just said the following:

"Liz, I know that the arch in your mouth is higher than the arch in my mouth because when we were kids I used to like to wear your retainer"

Then we all barfed.

What prompted this revelation is Abby having seen Liz's Invisiline on the sink in the bathroom and briefly considered trying it on.

Abby, Jaime and Marty the One Man Party are all up in this piece

The soon to be redeployed (Abby), the never to be deployed (Jaime) and the deployer of poop (Marty the One Man Party) are all visiting for Thanksgiving.

Things are now a bit snug here in Hollywood, but Abby is keeping spirits up by knitting The World's Gayest Christmas Sweaters® for Marty and Emmett.

Emmett's still isn't finished but Marty's (as you can see) is; now he looks like a little hairy jingleberry.

More to come...

National Review finds common ground on Iraq debate

"And the majority of the most vocal of the war critics have never even worn the uniform of our country." NRO

[H/T to Kevin Drum and C&L]

You would think that with this commonality people like Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush (Don't you even say "B..b..but TANG"), Kristol, Perle, Coulter, Malkin, Hannity, O'Reilly, Gibson, Wolfowitz etc. would have more in common with the war critics, you know, given their shared martial background.

What perplexes me is how best to reconcile critics of the war that have served our country in uniform. You know, like Senator Jim Webb, my sister-in-law Abby, General Wesley Clarke, Kos etc.

Marty the One Man Party

Last night Abby flew in to see Liz's play and [surprise!] she brought Marty the Puppy.

It was totally cool, Marty ran around and licked Liz's toes, then he took a dump in the living room (we have so much in common!).

I took him for a walk this morning and, in the spirit of Caesar Milan, tried to be a strong, assertive pack leader. It didn't really work though; after hanging out at the park for an hour, Marty and I went to Amy and Oded's apartment and he peed on their mail*.

On the right is a picture of Liz walking him, on the left is marty and my toes

Also, Abby bought Marty a sailor suit. Pretty gay.

*Marty peed