Embrace the Dull

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Lover's quarrel

An early-morning commotion awoke me at about 4:00.

2 early-20s dudes were in our building's courtyard (some of the apartments empty into the courtyard) arguing in their underwear. One of them wanted back into the apartment. I knew this because he kept yelling,

"Let me back into the fucking apartment"

The other guy wanted him out not only of the apartment, he wanted him out of the building. I knew this because he told him,

"Get out of my fucking building!"

The first guy rebutted,

"I need to get my fucking stuff!!" Evidently he entered the apartment with some stuff and had it subsequently charmed off him.

I couldn't speak to the nature of the scuffle, it could have been a quarrel over the end of My Own Private Idaho, it could have been a surprise facial. Who knows? What I do know is that if the second guy (the apartment owner) wanted the first guy to indeed "get the fuck out of [his] building" capitulating to the latter's demand to get his stuff would have been the most expedient way to resolve the disagreement.

No dice. No entry back into the apartment (or anything else, I would assume).

At this point things got really ugly. And by really ugly I mean awesome. Guy-who-needed-his-stuff decides he's getting his sequined-vest and jean-shorts by hook-or-crook.

So he, I shit you not, karate kicks the apartment owner. But it wasn't so much a karate kick as it was a balance-on-one-leg-and-bounce-toward-your-victim-while-making-kicking-motions-with-the-other-leg.

To get an idea of what happened, stand up, extend your arm in front of you, flatten our hand, now try to kick your palm. That's what the guy was doing.

Not to be outdone, the apartment owner ducks beneath the kicking and grabs the guy's underwear. Then they spun around in several small, tight circles.

It was he gayest shit I've ever seen. And I've been in gay porn so I know what I'm talking about.

At this point the guys realize that everyone in the building (including Emmett) is on their balcony watching the action.

Seeing this they immediately compose themselves and go into the apartment.

Not the most rewarding conclusion but still pretty entertaining, they made the Sharks and the Jets look like bloodsport.

Another thing to do at work...

If the last activity is too involved, try this one:

Organically incorporate the following into a conversation with your boss:

That is right, but I held something back. I see some real genius in your flying, Maverick, but I can't say that in there. I was afraid that everyone in the tax trailer would see right through me, and I just don't want anyone to know that I've fallen for you.

Fun office activity: test a co-worker's ability to lie on the spot

 If you're like me you're antisocial, enjoy your alone-time, and didn't grow pubic hair until you were 19.

What I'd like to concentrate on are the first 2.

I work with an otherwise lovely woman who has a nasty habit of inviting me to bullshit activities (e.g. volunteer work, pumpkin picking). Knowing this, whenever she walks into my office I conjure an activity for use should she invite to (another) Renaissance Festival.

So now I have her covered, but it wasn't always this way. I was at first forced to stammer and, on one occasion, actually agree to go (and subsequently cancel).

It occurred to me today that this would be a fun way to kill time and fuck with someone.

Here's How

1. Find someone in your office that you never hang out with; If you're like me this will be a swift process.

2. Walk into their office with wide, excited eyes.

3. Begin with "dude!" Then pretend to catch your breath and digest your excitement. Your audience should think you're about to say "I just got a hand-job from Amy Smart in the bathroom at Finagle-a-Bagel"

4. Then say, "Dude, What...are...you .... doing ....this weekend??!!"

Test his (or her) ability to come up with a wedding, a funeral, a visiting in-law, or a case of Lupus.

It will be awesome.

For added fun, use props. Jingle a set of keys, dress like a Jimmy Buffett fan, or brandish a pair of concert tickets (or better, Knott's Berry Farm tickets).

Why do vegans always look sick?

Or is it that they always look miserable?

Either way, have you noticed?

3rd [set of six] is the charm!

The Dugger's are expecting their 18th child.

Damn, that mom is so easy.

Update

There's a naming contest! The name has to begin with a "J" so go vote (though I see my first choice of "Jesuschristladygetyourfuckingtubestied" is unavailable.)

Stuff White People Like #96

Sending me a link to Stuff White People Like with an assessment of "genius!!"

I know this because I have done it; though I did it two months ago, when it was cool.

Update

I was inspired by my own post to go SWPL and check out the latest post on yuppie flea-markets in Brooklyn. New York City is full of so many shitheads, and yet it's the place I feel the most at home.

This makes me 1) miserable and 2) a shithead.

Star-studded night at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, LA

Last night Liz and I went to see Match Game hosted by the super-funny, Jimmy Pardo.

In attendance were Rebecca Romijn (X-Men, Pepper Dennis), Jerry O'Connell (Sliders) and Fat Guy Who Played the Dirty Cop in the Last Batman (Batman).

Finally

Rob Lowe takes a bold position on sexual harassment:

Harassment in the workplace, sexual or otherwise, is something I take very seriously. In my home and on the set, I have been surrounded for years by hardworking women (and men) whom I respect and whose rights are to be protected. But when people make false claims of harassment particularly for financial gain, it must be defended vigorously and openly, for it weakens the claims of legitimate victims.

Ballsy.

And re bold: He's surrounded by men in his home?

What if I want to put my cat on a leash? What about my ferrett?

See #6

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A sign in the park near our TOTALLY SWEET NEW CRIB.