Embrace the Dull

My cat Jake is such an asshole

Our friends John and Debra just had a baby (aaw) so we (and by we I mean Liz) bought them baby presents. This morning Liz was wrapping them and preparing the gifts to be sent.

Sound nice, right? Wrong.
 Liz was using ribbon and bows to add some flair that 4-week-old infants really appreciate when Jake (pictured), who can't hear the sound of ribbon without going totally fucking berserk, proceeds to freak the fuck out.

He chased Liz and her package (heh) around the apartment, just dying to sink his teeth into that sweet, sweet ribbon.

Finally, in a move usually reserved for when I unwittingly reveal which of her friends I find the most attractive, she locked herself in the bathroom.

Jake is a dick.

The Dodos: Visitor

(Reviewed here) is a really, really good album. Perhaps my favorite of 2008.

Here's a song to whet your interest: Fools

Unrelated: Liz and I spent ~7 hours watching the Godfathers this weekend. We agreed that if you take away Sofia Coppola's presence and Pacino's retarded haircut, part 3 isn't all that bad.

Related to unrelated: Lee Strassberg's delivery of "I didn't ask (breath) who gave the order (breath)...because it had nothing...to do...with business!" is my favorite line in the entire trilogy.

Back from fucking Provo

And it feels so good.

Few things are more draining than living in a hotel. I'll rephrase, there are few things that have happened to me in the last month more draining than living in a hotel.

Especially a Marriot. Ugh. Marriots are covered in nothing but maroon and khaki and they make me want to drink...wait, is my dad a Marriot*?

So I'm back in LA with Liz and Emmett and we're all moving to a new shwanky place in West Hollywood on Tuesday. Holla!

Updates to follow...

*Just kidding, dad. Sort of.

A Film brought to you by a group of stereotype-Native-Americans

Liz gets all these casting emails sent to her - here's the text from one she got earlier this week:

LeadFemale / 20 to 30 / CaucasianCassandra is princess of Troy. She is very pride. She likes to feel powerful, that's why she accepts Apollo's deal. Pride is the character's flaw. Character's need is to be less pride. She actually learn the lesson, but it is too late. Nobody believes her anymore when she tried to warn people about the horse, so Troy is destroy.

Apollo Co-StarMale / 20 to 30 / CaucasianApollo is a greek god, he is a big lover. He always gets what he wants. He has fallen in love with Cassandra, but she is not interested in him, so he makes a deal with her to get her love. He punishes Cassandra, because he didn't get what he wanted and he feels betray.

Little known fact: Good Friday is preceded by Whore Day

The Lord giveth, and He taketh away. Yesterday we got the news about Liz's part in the movie, today Liz had to slog away as background on CSI.

This is a text message she sent me from the CSI set: "It's 'Whore Day' on CSI today. Jesus Christ, the clothes*"

Evidently the extras were instructed to dress as "sexy club goers" which, to quote Liz, meant "dress like a bunch of fucking skanks."

She arrived in jeans and a small shirt and after being judged prohibitively unskanky was sent to wardrobe where a woman asked her, I shit you not "ok, is it absolutely necessary for you to wear underwear?"

Liz remained in her knickers (or so she says) and was presumably forced to play the dowdy, cock-blocking friend-of-skank every guy knows all too well.

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*Doesn't Jesus Christ: The Clothes sound like an apparel line run out of the Bob Jones U student bookstore?

A hearty congratulations to my lovely wife...

...for landing her first real-live movie role.

It's an indie film, so I'm not hanging up the stapler just yet, but it's totally fucking sweet; Emmett is so excited he shedded all over the couch and barked at the cats.

The role is in an adaptation of a Raymond Carver short story which makes this blog now seem eerily prophetic...

Go Liz, Go!

Abby and I got Christmas tattoos

Yesterday Abby and I went to Ink Monkey on Venice and got sweet new tattoos.

Abby got a huge dragon on her stomach (well, the side of her stomach)

What did I get?

In the face of rising divorce rates, the looming threat of values voters and the total babeness of my wife, I chose this:

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Withhold your ridicule and instead fawn over my pornographically defined deltoid muscles.

The pics are small and low-res because I took them just a minute ago with my phone, higher res pics of both mine and Abby's will be appearing shortly (i.e. next week) on my Flickr page.

Hollywood glamor

Liz (my wife) had a casting call at 7:00 this morning for a shoot in Tarzana which, I am told, is ghetto. The costume people told her to dress in "appealing evening-wear" which is movie-speak for "hookery."

My wife, tarted-up in a black cocktail dress with Lohanesque eye make-up would, at 7:00 pm, look like a pretty hot little number. At 7:00 am however, well, she looked like a nice girl who was 10 days late on rent.

So that's the scenario, Liz doing what appears to be the walk of shame from her home to a movie set.

About an hour ago I get a text, she's early on set and there's no production staff there.

Those actually present? The unemployable.

The movie? it's filming adjacent to a ...

...wait for it...

Boys penitentiary.

So Liz is currently dressed like a call-girl and hanging out in McDonalds near a prison in Tarzana.

What could go wrong?

Abby gone - Boo!

Bon Jovi's 2000 comeback and triumphant return to New Jersey's Meadowlands was described by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as being "like poop traveling back up into the butthole."

While Marty and Abby are not comparable to poop, their return to Kileen is certainly similar to a return to the lower colon of the United States (I have discussed Kileen, TX here).

So Abby left, and that's sad, but we had a great time; let's now take a soft-focus moment and reflect on the precious moments that visited us during this, my 33rd Thanksgiving.

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In other news, Liz was on set at Boston Legal again yesterday and reports that William Shatner is, I shit you not, the nicest and most "normal" (I think she said "present and centered" but for our purposes I'll say "normal") star she has ever encountered.

She reports that James Spader is a bIt odd.

Lovely

Abby (first from the left) just said the following:

"Liz, I know that the arch in your mouth is higher than the arch in my mouth because when we were kids I used to like to wear your retainer"

Then we all barfed.

What prompted this revelation is Abby having seen Liz's Invisiline on the sink in the bathroom and briefly considered trying it on.